How to Cope When Your Child Leaves for University: Tips for Surviving Drop-Off Day and Beyond

We've done it! We have deposited our girl in her student flat and while she's been busy embracing the fun and shenanigans of Freshers' Week, making new friends and attending first lectures, I have survived the first weeks of this strange (and dreaded) new chapter.

Last month on the blog I shared my worries about this transition in "How Am I Going To Cope When My Child Leaves Home?". Today I'll share some of the answers, how our experience has been so far and the things I hadn't been prepared for.

I'm not kidding myself - I'm well aware that I'm employing my trusted, if inadvisable, strategy of keeping manically busy. Dog walking, mopping floors, batch cooking and scrubbing cupboards... It may not be every mother's method of coping with the severing of the apron strings but we all need to find our own ways.

Meanwhile, I have friends who are just about to start the transition process with their offspring. So these words are for you as you head off in your overloaded cars to deliver your most precious person to the starting line of their next adventure ...

How To Survive Drop-Off Day

It's Not All Bad

It's a hard day. Of course it is. But - and I never expected to be saying this - it's not all bad. In fact, our experience of Drop Off Day was that it was also a happy and exciting day.

Brush Up On Your Acting Skills

Despite what I've said about the day not being all bad, there are inevitably going to be tough, upsetting moments. But our kids can't deal with those. They have their own nerves and worries to overcome and that's where the need for an Oscar winning performance comes in. I certainly gave it my best shot as we got ready for the day ahead, telling Vaila how I had chosen to use my special moisturiser - the one reserved for "good days".

She did not need to know that I'd had to reapply it after some uncontrollable tears as I hid away in the bathroom.

Have A Good Cry

And on that note, if you think you're in danger of crying, let yourself do it. I had been trying to swallow the lump in my throat for days leading up to D-Day and with hindsight, I shouldn't have. Because come the morning of departure, I wasn't able to hold the tears back anymore. The good news is that after some time secretly blubbing away, I regained enough composure to get back to baking croissants and laughing at James' disbelief at how much luggage needed to be squeezed into the car.

Take Photos

I hadn't even thought about this ( quite remiss of me considering I'd planned to write a blog post about the day!) but my mum requested a family photo before we left and I'm so grateful that she did. I didn't think it would be, but September 6th was a day I want to remember.

Get Ready To Clean

Maybe it was naive of me but I had assumed the flat would be spotless for its new inhabitants. It wasn’t, so out came the Dettol and sponges. I wanted that wee room to be perfect for her.

Know When To Leave

You might not want to leave them there. But you know you must. This is what they have chosen. I suppose the good news here is that if you've been fighting back tears or emotions all day, it'll finally be safe to let them out. You can bawl your eyes out as soon as you're out of sight if that's what you need to do.

In our case, the tears I had expected on the journey home didn't come. After leaving our girl in her flat, James and I had a little stroll around her new (our old) stomping ground and found that - rather than being desolate - we were riding on the waves of Vaila's excitement. The journey home was full of chat about our pride and hopes for our girl.

Honeymoon Period

I've got to admit I was pretty pleased with how well I coped in those first few days. When my mum popped in midweek to check how I was managing, I was able to truthfully telly her that I was doing just fine.

Admittedly, I have kept myself so occupied that I haven't left a moment to dwell on this strange new situation. I've only been into Vaila's bedroom a couple of times after realising that her scent in the room put my positive attitude under threat.

When Reality Starts To Sink In

Now, I don't want to be the bearer of bad news but it seems those first few days were easier than the days to follow. I was slapped in the face with this realisation on the Thursday of week one. I had gone to Edinburgh to help her with some admin and we went for dinner. A lovely time was had and I was enthralled to hear all about her new friends and her nights out. But not going home together just felt...wrong. So wrong. I took her back to her flat and collected some washing (see - I'm still needed!) and drove home, leaving my little student there.

The drive home was so different to the day she had moved in. I'd coped surprisingly well that day so I was unprepared for the lump in my throat and the uneasy feeling as I cruised through the city. Was it because I was on my own as opposed to having James beside me as I had on Drop Off Day? Or just because I was tired?

The second time I dropped her off was no better. It was a dark, rainy Sunday evening and I hated leaving her there. On the third occasion, my mum and Toby dog joined us for the drop off. Going for a city stroll with them and having company for the journey home made the experience much more bearable.

Keeping In Touch

I don't know about you but I've spent enough time on parenting forums to know that I'm not the only parent who has struggled with striking the right balance on the communication front. Enough communication for her to know we're here and thinking of her - that she's still very much a part of our family. But not so much that she feels harassed or obliged to contact us more than she feels necessary.

My only advice here is to let your student dictate the means and frequency of contact. Would I love hourly updates from my girl about where she is, what she's doing, who she's with and how she's feeling? Oh yes! But I'm very grateful that there has been at least a short text conversation every day.

Being able to track her location (with her permission of course) is a real sanity saver in terms of ascertaining signs of life and a safe return from nights out!

I have read some interesting debates online about whether new students should be more considerate of their parents' feelings and make the effort to keep in touch more.

My own feeling is that our youngsters have made this huge move and are dealing with a new home environment, meeting countless new people, getting to grips with university life and expectations. Our job is to support them and put their needs first, not the other way around.

Be Kind To Yourself

Having said that, it doesn't mean that we should have no consideration for ourselves at what is often a difficult time.

The weekend of Drop-Off Day I just didn't want to spend time at home so we went for lovely walks and ate out. It was a weekend of just doing what felt right (apart from driving back to Edinburgh to bring Vaila home - that was not allowed!)

That first Monday, doing the first food shop for three instead of four was tough so I added some gorgeous flowers to my trolley to brighten the dining room - and my mood. I also made plenty of plans with friends to avoid spending all day staring at the Vaila's location tracker.

And on those nights where I drop her at her flat and come home feeling a bit blue, I've learned to give myself some time alone to feel just a little bit sad. A bath, some pampering and my favourite playlist has helped me to reset before enjoying the evening with my boys.

Reach Out To Other Parents

I feel so very grateful to be sharing the experience with my husband. By his own admission, much as he misses Vaila, his life hasn't changed quite as much as mine has by her departure. So it's a relief to have my "mum friends" who are feeling the teenager shaped void just as much as I am. And I've seen that even for the ones with total confidence in their child's abilities and readiness for the stage, this is still a wrench. It seems we're all dealing with a mixture of excitement, worry, pride and grief.

In the online world I've found the Facebook Group, Parents of Current and Prospective Students has been my go to for reassurance as well as tips. I don't think there's a concern or emotion I've had in the past few months that hasn't been expressed by someone else in this group. Knowing we're not alone is such a source of comfort.

It's Still Early Days

It's been less than a month (although some days it feels longer!) so we're still finding our way. I know that, in time, we'll all adapt and find a new way of being a family unit while living in different places.

Counting My Blessings

I know our experiences are not all the same. I remind myself often: I’m lucky - my husband, son, and Toby dog are still at home with me, and our girl is thriving just over the bridge. Many parents face far tougher goodbyes.

To any parent facing that first lonely drive, know that you’re not alone. How has your experience been so far? You can share tips and encouragement below; your story might be exactly what another mum or dad needs today.

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