Overcoming Self-Doubt in Midlife

Self-Doubt and I Go Way Back

I remember its presence throughout school, telling me that I couldn't do various things. It lingered into my working life where I spent most of my career experiencing imposter syndrome, especially when stepping into new roles. It’s always niggled in terms of appearance. And as a parent, there have been moments of uncertainty when self-doubt has consumed me.

Now, in midlife, I find it hasn’t disappeared but it is changing. I think the fact that I got as far as publishing my blog is testament to that! Sometimes it's quieter. Other times, it shows up loudly when I’m considering something new or reflecting on where I’ve been. Always, always there when I'm about to publish a new blog post!

I’ve reached the stage in life when we’re told we should have it “all figured out.” But for many of us, midlife is filled with questions, transitions, and a search for deeper meaning - a perfect playground for self-doubt.

In this post, I want to explore the roots of self-doubt and how we can begin to loosen its grip. Because while it may be difficult to completely silence that voice, we can learn to limit its impact on how we live.

How Others Influence Our Thoughts

Like most good parents, mine did all they could to build my confidence and self-esteem from day one. But inevitably, other influences begin to shape how we see ourselves and not all of them are kind.

While walking with a friend recently, our discussion about our teaching careers led us to reminisce about our own school days. It made me reflect on just how early the seeds of self-doubt can be sown.

For as long as I can remember, my inner voice has told me I’m terrible at maths. I traced it back to a vivid moment in Primary 4: standing nervously in a line, waiting to show my teacher my work, only for him to tear it up in front of me while shouting. It’s easy to see how an experience like that could introduce a child to feelings of of fear and inadequacy.

Later, another teacher told me I’d never make it through the interview to study Primary Teaching. I sometimes wonder if teachers like that ever consider the lasting weight their words can carry.

Those moments left their mark. But self-doubt rarely grows from one event; it’s an accumulation of experiences: subtle comparisons, unmet expectations, harsh feedback, or even silence when encouragement was needed. Over time, we internalise these messages until they start to sound like our own thoughts. What begins as someone else’s opinion can quietly become a belief we carry for decades.

The Hidden Roots of Self-Doubt

From an early age, we’re taught to compare ourselves, chase perfection, and hide mistakes. Society offers no shortage of messages about what success should look like, and when our reality doesn’t match that image, we assume we’re the problem.

Over time, these messages become so familiar that we mistake them for truth. But they’re not - they’re just well-worn stories. And stories can be rewritten.

Even people with a lifetime of achievements can crave reassurance. I once listened to a 103-year-old doctor admit that she still needed someone to tell her she was doing well. It reminded me of my own time as a Principal Teacher, when despite a supportive boss who believed in me, I still frequently sought reassurance that what I was doing was good enough.

Self-Doubt in Adulthood

Perhaps my deepest experience of self-doubt has been as a parent. Being a good parent is the most important job in the world to me, and it matters hugely that I get it right. I haven’t always managed this, and when I reflect on mistakes I’ve made, I do think my own self-doubt sometimes prevented me from acting on my instincts.

This was particularly true with my son. My self-doubt led me to question things I knew to be true when professionals had a different opinion. I’ll always wonder if his brutal experience of autistic burnout could have been avoided, or at least lessened, had I pushed back. My self-doubt always triggered that little voice in my head, convincing me that the professionals must know best.

Is Self-Doubt Always a Bad Thing?

While I’d suggest that constantly doubting ourselves isn’t healthy, I do think there’s a place for a little doubt. It can make us pause and truly consider what we’re doing or being asked to do.

Self-Doubt in Midlife

Arriving in midlife and immersing myself in books and podcasts, I’ve learned that self-doubt plagues many women. For some, it’s an old companion that takes new shapes; for others, it appears as a fresh challenge amid life’s transitions.

Midlife is a unique stage, full of change, reflection and a fair bit of challenge! Careers may plateau or shift, children grow more independent, relationships evolve, and let’s not even go there with the hormones. Many also find themselves in the “sandwich generation,” caring for both young and old.

As we become increasingly aware of time passing, it’s natural to question who we are and where we’re headed. These questions can spiral into doubts about our choices: Am I still relevant? Am I making the right decisions? Have I wasted time?

The pressure to have life “figured out” by our forties invites self-doubt to creep in. Yet midlife can also be a powerful invitation to reimagine ourselves on our own terms, free from the expectations of youth, early adulthood, and even other people.

Overcoming Self-Doubt: Practical Strategies

Understanding where self-doubt comes from is one thing; learning how to respond to it is another. Midlife offers a chance to embrace new ways of thinking, drawing on the wisdom and resilience we’ve built over the years.

Self-doubt may feel familiar, but it doesn’t have to stick around. Over time, I’ve explored ways to lean into discomfort, challenge negative self-talk, and build a kinder relationship with myself. It doesn't always work but it's a start!

Starting this blog was both exciting and daunting. I found myself asking, Who am I to share my thoughts? Will anyone even be interested? That familiar voice tried to convince me I was too late, not knowledgeable enough, or simply not interesting. I still have these doubts, regularly. But pushing through that fear has become a small act of confidence building.

Here are some of the strategies that help me quieten self-doubt:

1. The “Let Them” Theory

Mel Robbins introduced me to a refreshing way to handle self-doubt. Much of mine is about what others think, but since learning about the “Let Them” theory, I’ve found myself saying, “Let them.” It still takes effort, but it’s helped me do things (and write things!) my self-doubt once would’ve stopped.

2. Sometimes Good Enough Is Good Enough

My old boss used to say this. I didn’t believe her then. Now, whether through confidence or sheer midlife tiredness, I truly do. Sometimes, good enough really is good enough.

3. This Is Me

At this stage, I’ve surrounded myself with people who accept me for who I am. I'm less hesitant to share my true opinions and I don't feel such a need to impress anyone by living up to someone else's standards. Gone are the days of the frantic pre-visitor tidy whenever we're expecting visitors. I still like it to feel nice, but now I do it for us, not for show.

4. Take Action To Quieten the Doubts

I used to waste hours ruminating in the dead of night. Now I know that action, even tiny steps, breaks the cycle. You don’t have to leap; small steps build momentum and confidence.

5. Seek Connection and Support

Talking to friends and connecting with others who share similar doubts is a lifeline. Speaking our worries aloud often takes away their power and reminds us that we're not alone. Realising that most of us experience self-doubt at times shouldn't really have been surprising to me - but it was. And I did take comfort from hearing others' experiences.

Embracing Midlife with Courage and Compassion

Self-doubt is a familiar companion for many of us, especially in midlife. But it doesn’t have to define who we are or what we can achieve. By acknowledging it and responding with kindness and courage, we can turn it from a stumbling block into a stepping stone.

Midlife isn’t about having all the answers; it’s about embracing the journey with openness, resilience, and, perhaps most of all, compassion for ourselves.

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