Ikigai: Finding My Purpose in Midlife
- otherwisekate
- Oct 10
- 6 min read
The House of Ikigai
Years ago, when both of my kids were in school, there was a street I used to walk down after doing the school drop off. On the corner was a stone building which looked to me like some sort of beauty salon or clinic. It was called "House of Ikigai".
Every time I walked past it I made a mental note to look up the word “ikigai”. I had no idea what it meant and I was intrigued. Unfortunately, mental notes don’t work well for me and by the end of the walk my mind had inevitably wandered to other topics.
What is Purpose?
One of the topics that distracted me was often my purpose - trying to work out what I should be doing with my life. What should I be changing? What should I be achieving? What did I want my life to look like....feel like?
Have you given much thought as to what your purpose in life is? Social media seems to be flooded with inspirational quotes about finding purpose... but what does purpose actually mean to you?
The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to really unpack what it actually means to "find purpose". In particular, I wanted to get really clear on the distinctions between purpose, passion and priorities.
Knowing My Purpose
I was propelled into considering this after I quit my teaching career. It’s easy to think of our career as our purpose so without that, what was my purpose?
The obvious answer was that my purpose was to be a mum and wife. At this point I was needed as a mum more than ever - I had two teenagers, one of whom was in autistic burnout.
Of course I turned to my trusted podcasts to explore purpose further and was fascinated by some of the conversations I listened to.
The notion that I didn’t need to have A purpose in life was a revelation to me yet it made total sense. Mo Gawdat, author of Solve for Happy suggests that our purpose can change throughout life. Pondering on this, I reflected on different eras of my life and what my purpose had been as I moved through each one: to complete my education; to make a difference in children’s lives as a teacher; to be a good wife and mum.
What was new to me was the idea that while our overall purpose might remain fairly steady, the priorities we choose each day - or even throughout the day - can shift depending on what’s most important at that moment in time. Mo Gawdat spoke about the importance of waking up each day with clarity about what today’s purpose or main focus is, and being open to how that might change as the day unfolds.
This notion that our purpose can shift with time and circumstance was freeing. It helped me realise that purpose and priorities are connected but not the same. Purpose is the bigger picture: why we get out of bed each day. Priorities are the actions we choose in the moment to serve that purpose.
Humans need purpose. We are at our most content when we have something to do, to focus on - something that gives our days shape and meaning.
Purpose Driven Priorities
As I continued to listen to the podcast, I thought about the day ahead. I had three priorities:
To take Toby dog for his walk
To help Vaila to source her outfit for a Taylor Swift concert
To watch a movie with Jamie
Three simple priorities, each meaningful because they helped me serve my bigger purpose: to nurture my family and create memories. Toby’s walk kept him happy and healthy (and allowed him to do his business!), helping Vaila with her outfit made her feel excited and confident, and watching a movie with Jamie gave us time to relax and connect over something he loves. On their own they’re just everyday mum jobs but together they remind me I’m showing up for the people (and dog) I love most and giving them the best lives I can.
When our priorities align with our purpose, life feels more satisfying. And if you’ve been following my blog, you’ll know that I’m going all out to try to make sure that my life is fulfilling and satisfying.
But when priorities don’t align with purpose and we find ourselves spending all day on tasks that drain us or distract from what really matters, that’s when we feel lost or unfulfilled. Understanding this difference helps me check in each day: Do today’s priorities serve my purpose?
Back to Ikigai
Years after wondering about the meaning of ikigai, I discovered the work of the author Hector Garcia, who informed me that ikigai is in fact the very thing I've been looking for! The Japanese word means "reason for being". Garcia encourages people to examine how they feel about each day when they wake up - to notice the things they look forward to in the day as well as the aspects which spoil our days. He made me reflect on my decision to leave teaching; over time I realised that every morning I woke up dreading going to work, it no longer made feel positive or happy. Teaching - the thing that had once been not only a purpose and a passion, but a dream - could no longer be my ikigai.
Finding Purpose in Midlife
Compounding what I had learned from Mo Gawdat, Gacia also explains how our Ikigai can change and evolve throughout life. I believe that caring for my family will be my purpose until the day I’m no longer here. But as they grow and I enter midlife, I’m increasingly aware that their needs will change. So, I began to wonder if the unsettled feeling which plagued me for a couple of years was an indication that perhaps there was room in my life for a new purpose in addition to being a mum and wife.
When Passion Becomes Purpose
A couple of years on, I found new purpose in the shape of my blog. Writing has become a passion of mine, but I’ve learned that what gives it real meaning is the impact it has on others. When my words help someone feel less alone or offer comfort on a tough day, that's when passion transforms into purpose. That’s the difference, I think: passion is what lights me up but purpose is what happens when that passion reaches someone else.
The Role of Purpose in Happiness and Well-being
Having said that, we ourselves also benefit from finding purpose in life. Having a sense of purpose makes such a difference to how happy and content we feel. When we know why we’re doing what we’re doing and that it matters in some way, even the ordinary days feel more meaningful. Purpose gives us something to aim for and helps us push through the tough moments, because we know they’re part of something bigger.
This ties in nicely with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. At the bottom, we need basics like food, safety, and shelter. Once those are in place, we look for love, connection, and self-esteem. Right at the top is self-actualization - basically becoming the best version of ourselves. Purpose runs through all these layers. Feeling useful and connected gives us belonging. Doing work or caring for people in ways that reflect our values builds self-worth. And when we live in line with what really matters to us, we get closer to that sense of fulfilment at the very top of the pyramid.
In short, purpose reminds us that our lives matter not just to us, but to the people around us. And I think that’s one of the biggest building blocks of true happiness.
Hector Garcia also talks of the physical benefits for those who have know their ikigai. In his book Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life (co-authored with Franceso Miralles), he tells of a "village of longevity" where the elderly population attribute their longevity to knowing their ikigai.
Life Without Purpose
When we don’t have a sense of purpose, life can start to feel flat or aimless. It’s so easy to drift just through the days without a why to push us forward. We might feel unmotivated, restless, or even a bit empty, because deep down we need to feel useful and needed.
Hector Garcia's advice for those who have not yet found their ikigai is this:
"If you don't know what you ikigai is then your ikigai should be to find your ikigai."
So if you’re feeling stuck or wondering what your purpose is, maybe it’s not about finding just one answer and feeling tied to that answer throughout our lives. Be prepared to allow one purpose to lead you to the next. And if you don't know right now what your purpose - what your ikigai is - let finding that out be your ikigai.
Comments